geesh im random and definitely not suicidal

so here are some random thoughts i had today, and i am going to try and piece them all together...on a side note, i am not suicidal, i am not going to hurt myself...don't worry about it, i just felt like being emo...
I hate my face! Therefore I am going to cut my face off!
To love is to fail yourself. Love suggests opening yourself up to another, and to remove the mask we all must wear to keep the outside from knowing us. No one must know the real you, and to love another says that you have taken down your mask. Why do people do such idiotic things, as to allow themselves to be so terribly hurt? It is dumb to become unnumb...
I want to be dead, I have been betrayed, terribly betrayed. I opened myself up, and I got hurt. I hate life and everything about myself. Why did I have to be so trusting? To trust is to be stupid; to be open is to instantaneously fail. Therefore I am a failure; automatically and utterally sad and pathetic. I have become a betrayer to ease the pain I am feeling inside.
I love death because in it, I am complete. Death is the escape, the freedom of my soul. Death is the way to end all suffering and pain, to let my soulless body rot in the cold, cold ground; to warm my frozen heart from its icy wasteland to a chilly plateau of numbness...No one cares about me! I'm gonna go kill myself now! I love you, don't cry for me. I am in a better place. Do not wear black to my funeral, i lived a colorful life, I gave myself a colorful death, and I want to be remembered as such. "See you when you get here, If you ever get here..."
Like I said, I was just feeling emo, and i thought this stuff was pretty good...I AM NOT FEELING SUICIDAL...I PROMISE!!!!!!!!! I love you guys, and peace out...
ps, heres part of an old post that i liked...
You know, Christianity is sooooo confusing. We are commanded to love one another, and forgive one another for the wrongs committed against us. However, we are not expected to continue to be friends, or be walked on like a door mat, or stay in touch with those that hurt us. We are just simply called to forgive and forget. It is often that last part that gets us so hung up. We can forgive, people make mistakes. But forgetting, that is so hard, because often after we've forgiven, and given those initial feelings to God, we still have to deal with the pain, and emotional stress, often times its a physical strain, especially when the relationship was close, and so therefore how can we forget? It has been said, that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Who in their right minds would want to ever get in a relationship that would leave us in the state for which we were so hurt to begin with? How then, can we forget that which has been done to us? It comes after much time spent in prayer, and seeking after God's will. In time, the pain gradually goes away, until all that we are left with is a memory. In that memory, we remember the pain, but our hearts have forgotten what the pain felt like, we will just remember that that time was a painful learning experience, which good has come out of. So it is that we do not want to completely forget the pain, or that which caused the pain, but only to remember the things we learned while in the midst of all the hurt caused against us.
peace out folks!

i suck at ppl...i should stick to cats

Shan, 2-7-07
Hey, this is a tad-bit awkward, this whole writing you, as I talk to you almost every day and see you at least three times a week. So why am I writing this, you ask? Because my words flow more eloquently on paper. Because this paper cannot see my tears pouring down my face, heated with agony. Because this paper cannot sense the tension in the air (which is from my heart; my heart feels like it is in the top of my throat all the way down to the bottoms of my feet. that is how heavy it is). Or simply because I lack the courage to tell you face to face.
That being said, let me get to the point. You and Meg are best friends. I could not hope that God would give her or you better friends. To continue being best friends however, that requires an extraction from your life. That harsh, abrupt removal has to be our friendship. It was before my rude intrusion that you and her had the perfect friendship. Because of my 'friend-invasion', you two didn't talk for two weeks (not your fault).
Until tonight, I never truly realized how selfish I've been, by trying to remain friends wtih you. However, I came to the conclusion that it is better for you to regain your comradarie with Megan rather than me trying to hold on to something that never should have happened in the first place. I also realized tonight that I would rather suffer this pain over selfishly watching two of the people I love the most hurt so badly. One person who suffers is far less than two. How could I EVER call myself a true friend or good sister if I knowingly continue to be the cause of dissension?
I cannot, therefore you and I must not be friends. I'm so selfish trying to stay friends with you, as there are people in this world who will NEVER have not even one friend. I am so blessed by your friendship, even if it was only for a day in light of the future.
I am truly sorry that my wants and selfishness is the reason for all of this. I am also truly sorry that when you needed Megan the most, she was not there for you because of this selfish hog. I am sorrowful that in turn you were then forced to talk to the very thing that created the dischord originally.
Selfishly, I pray that you two remain friends, otherwise my efforts and sacrifices will all be for naught. In that event, it is I who will have greatly missed out.
You have been such a blessing to my life, and I am repentant to let our friendship fade. Your ability to smile through it all amazes me. The propensity you possess to love is astounding. I could only dream of being such a terrific friend.I pray blessings upon blessings in your life. I know that God has someone wonderful for you. I also know that you will be a fantastic wife, great mom, and that whatever your hand finds to do (be it teaching etc), you will do it with everything you have. God is going to bless you tremendously for all that you have endured, and for all that you will accomplish for His Kingdom.
I pray for your dad, that he might come to know Christ (if he hasn't already) and be healed. I pray you get the money you need for school, because I know how desparately you want to be there. I also pray that your mom wakes up and realizes what an amazing woman of God you are, and that she will LOVE you and treat you right.
I do not want you to think that this doesn't hurt me, because it does. I have been crying inwardly since you told me that you guys purposefully excluded me, and outwardly since I dropped you off. I also hope that you don't think I am being sarcastic, as sarcasm is the farthest thing from my mind right now.
I will still take you to Fusion if you want me to, and I will still be cordial to you. If you speak to me, I won't ignore you (my name's not Megan), but we cannot hang out, or drive around.
I hope that one day you can remember our friendship as a good one, and that you can forgive me for this. If you never can, I understand.
I cannot write anymore as my eyes, face, and hands are all so swollen that they will be of no use to me for the next week.
♥Mandy