i suck at ppl...i should stick to cats

Shan, 2-7-07
Hey, this is a tad-bit awkward, this whole writing you, as I talk to you almost every day and see you at least three times a week. So why am I writing this, you ask? Because my words flow more eloquently on paper. Because this paper cannot see my tears pouring down my face, heated with agony. Because this paper cannot sense the tension in the air (which is from my heart; my heart feels like it is in the top of my throat all the way down to the bottoms of my feet. that is how heavy it is). Or simply because I lack the courage to tell you face to face.
That being said, let me get to the point. You and Meg are best friends. I could not hope that God would give her or you better friends. To continue being best friends however, that requires an extraction from your life. That harsh, abrupt removal has to be our friendship. It was before my rude intrusion that you and her had the perfect friendship. Because of my 'friend-invasion', you two didn't talk for two weeks (not your fault).
Until tonight, I never truly realized how selfish I've been, by trying to remain friends wtih you. However, I came to the conclusion that it is better for you to regain your comradarie with Megan rather than me trying to hold on to something that never should have happened in the first place. I also realized tonight that I would rather suffer this pain over selfishly watching two of the people I love the most hurt so badly. One person who suffers is far less than two. How could I EVER call myself a true friend or good sister if I knowingly continue to be the cause of dissension?
I cannot, therefore you and I must not be friends. I'm so selfish trying to stay friends with you, as there are people in this world who will NEVER have not even one friend. I am so blessed by your friendship, even if it was only for a day in light of the future.
I am truly sorry that my wants and selfishness is the reason for all of this. I am also truly sorry that when you needed Megan the most, she was not there for you because of this selfish hog. I am sorrowful that in turn you were then forced to talk to the very thing that created the dischord originally.
Selfishly, I pray that you two remain friends, otherwise my efforts and sacrifices will all be for naught. In that event, it is I who will have greatly missed out.
You have been such a blessing to my life, and I am repentant to let our friendship fade. Your ability to smile through it all amazes me. The propensity you possess to love is astounding. I could only dream of being such a terrific friend.I pray blessings upon blessings in your life. I know that God has someone wonderful for you. I also know that you will be a fantastic wife, great mom, and that whatever your hand finds to do (be it teaching etc), you will do it with everything you have. God is going to bless you tremendously for all that you have endured, and for all that you will accomplish for His Kingdom.
I pray for your dad, that he might come to know Christ (if he hasn't already) and be healed. I pray you get the money you need for school, because I know how desparately you want to be there. I also pray that your mom wakes up and realizes what an amazing woman of God you are, and that she will LOVE you and treat you right.
I do not want you to think that this doesn't hurt me, because it does. I have been crying inwardly since you told me that you guys purposefully excluded me, and outwardly since I dropped you off. I also hope that you don't think I am being sarcastic, as sarcasm is the farthest thing from my mind right now.
I will still take you to Fusion if you want me to, and I will still be cordial to you. If you speak to me, I won't ignore you (my name's not Megan), but we cannot hang out, or drive around.
I hope that one day you can remember our friendship as a good one, and that you can forgive me for this. If you never can, I understand.
I cannot write anymore as my eyes, face, and hands are all so swollen that they will be of no use to me for the next week.
♥Mandy