hmmmmmmmm where to start...my life is crazy, but i love it...i have changed alot...but all for the better
i dont miss our old youth pastor...and despite popular opinion, im not in love with the new one...he has a gf...so back off ppl.

geesh im random and definitely not suicidal

so here are some random thoughts i had today, and i am going to try and piece them all together...on a side note, i am not suicidal, i am not going to hurt myself...don't worry about it, i just felt like being emo...
I hate my face! Therefore I am going to cut my face off!
To love is to fail yourself. Love suggests opening yourself up to another, and to remove the mask we all must wear to keep the outside from knowing us. No one must know the real you, and to love another says that you have taken down your mask. Why do people do such idiotic things, as to allow themselves to be so terribly hurt? It is dumb to become unnumb...
I want to be dead, I have been betrayed, terribly betrayed. I opened myself up, and I got hurt. I hate life and everything about myself. Why did I have to be so trusting? To trust is to be stupid; to be open is to instantaneously fail. Therefore I am a failure; automatically and utterally sad and pathetic. I have become a betrayer to ease the pain I am feeling inside.
I love death because in it, I am complete. Death is the escape, the freedom of my soul. Death is the way to end all suffering and pain, to let my soulless body rot in the cold, cold ground; to warm my frozen heart from its icy wasteland to a chilly plateau of numbness...No one cares about me! I'm gonna go kill myself now! I love you, don't cry for me. I am in a better place. Do not wear black to my funeral, i lived a colorful life, I gave myself a colorful death, and I want to be remembered as such. "See you when you get here, If you ever get here..."
Like I said, I was just feeling emo, and i thought this stuff was pretty good...I AM NOT FEELING SUICIDAL...I PROMISE!!!!!!!!! I love you guys, and peace out...
ps, heres part of an old post that i liked...
You know, Christianity is sooooo confusing. We are commanded to love one another, and forgive one another for the wrongs committed against us. However, we are not expected to continue to be friends, or be walked on like a door mat, or stay in touch with those that hurt us. We are just simply called to forgive and forget. It is often that last part that gets us so hung up. We can forgive, people make mistakes. But forgetting, that is so hard, because often after we've forgiven, and given those initial feelings to God, we still have to deal with the pain, and emotional stress, often times its a physical strain, especially when the relationship was close, and so therefore how can we forget? It has been said, that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Who in their right minds would want to ever get in a relationship that would leave us in the state for which we were so hurt to begin with? How then, can we forget that which has been done to us? It comes after much time spent in prayer, and seeking after God's will. In time, the pain gradually goes away, until all that we are left with is a memory. In that memory, we remember the pain, but our hearts have forgotten what the pain felt like, we will just remember that that time was a painful learning experience, which good has come out of. So it is that we do not want to completely forget the pain, or that which caused the pain, but only to remember the things we learned while in the midst of all the hurt caused against us.
peace out folks!

i suck at ppl...i should stick to cats

Shan, 2-7-07
Hey, this is a tad-bit awkward, this whole writing you, as I talk to you almost every day and see you at least three times a week. So why am I writing this, you ask? Because my words flow more eloquently on paper. Because this paper cannot see my tears pouring down my face, heated with agony. Because this paper cannot sense the tension in the air (which is from my heart; my heart feels like it is in the top of my throat all the way down to the bottoms of my feet. that is how heavy it is). Or simply because I lack the courage to tell you face to face.
That being said, let me get to the point. You and Meg are best friends. I could not hope that God would give her or you better friends. To continue being best friends however, that requires an extraction from your life. That harsh, abrupt removal has to be our friendship. It was before my rude intrusion that you and her had the perfect friendship. Because of my 'friend-invasion', you two didn't talk for two weeks (not your fault).
Until tonight, I never truly realized how selfish I've been, by trying to remain friends wtih you. However, I came to the conclusion that it is better for you to regain your comradarie with Megan rather than me trying to hold on to something that never should have happened in the first place. I also realized tonight that I would rather suffer this pain over selfishly watching two of the people I love the most hurt so badly. One person who suffers is far less than two. How could I EVER call myself a true friend or good sister if I knowingly continue to be the cause of dissension?
I cannot, therefore you and I must not be friends. I'm so selfish trying to stay friends with you, as there are people in this world who will NEVER have not even one friend. I am so blessed by your friendship, even if it was only for a day in light of the future.
I am truly sorry that my wants and selfishness is the reason for all of this. I am also truly sorry that when you needed Megan the most, she was not there for you because of this selfish hog. I am sorrowful that in turn you were then forced to talk to the very thing that created the dischord originally.
Selfishly, I pray that you two remain friends, otherwise my efforts and sacrifices will all be for naught. In that event, it is I who will have greatly missed out.
You have been such a blessing to my life, and I am repentant to let our friendship fade. Your ability to smile through it all amazes me. The propensity you possess to love is astounding. I could only dream of being such a terrific friend.I pray blessings upon blessings in your life. I know that God has someone wonderful for you. I also know that you will be a fantastic wife, great mom, and that whatever your hand finds to do (be it teaching etc), you will do it with everything you have. God is going to bless you tremendously for all that you have endured, and for all that you will accomplish for His Kingdom.
I pray for your dad, that he might come to know Christ (if he hasn't already) and be healed. I pray you get the money you need for school, because I know how desparately you want to be there. I also pray that your mom wakes up and realizes what an amazing woman of God you are, and that she will LOVE you and treat you right.
I do not want you to think that this doesn't hurt me, because it does. I have been crying inwardly since you told me that you guys purposefully excluded me, and outwardly since I dropped you off. I also hope that you don't think I am being sarcastic, as sarcasm is the farthest thing from my mind right now.
I will still take you to Fusion if you want me to, and I will still be cordial to you. If you speak to me, I won't ignore you (my name's not Megan), but we cannot hang out, or drive around.
I hope that one day you can remember our friendship as a good one, and that you can forgive me for this. If you never can, I understand.
I cannot write anymore as my eyes, face, and hands are all so swollen that they will be of no use to me for the next week.
♥Mandy

Im in love with a...

Im in love with a flippin boy and he will never know how much i really do love him...and there are those random times that i think he could love me too, but i know that in all reality, he will never feel for me the way i do for him. i really wish i could stop my heart from beating a little faster when i see him, or stop myself from smiling when i think of him...but i cant, hard as i have tried, i still cannot. some times i have asked God why i cannot allow my heart to go solely to the one He has for me, but instead i waste my love on those who will never love me back...i guess it's God's way of letting me see a piece of His heart...oh how i love manuel najera...his personality is a-ma-zing...he's not even my type, but that doesnt matter to me. the saddest thing in all this is that i want his happiness over mine...as long as he is happy, i dont care how i feel in the end...if he were to date and marry my best friend, i would be so happy for him, even in my pain, my heart would soar for them. he and i will be partners in ministry, with our future spouses, and i know i will be well over him when we do go into ministry together, but his wife is so lucky, she is getting a gem of a guy...why do i love him? a friend of mine asked me why i liked him...and i didnt have an answer that didnt sound so cheesy...he's got the same calling as me, he has a great personality, and he has a love for God that is real, and strong...i told my friend that i liked him cuz he could cook...i guess i trust the unknown whatevers out here on the internet more than i do my friends, cuz i couldnt say to her that he makes my stomach tingle, and my head spin...alright, i guess thats all i have to say...im in love with a stripper (dont ask), paz

poop crap dookey

well, the last one didnt post...ive learned some new frases en espanol, como bolita, y nena, y no manches...theyre super fun...i cant wait for spring break...im gonna have fun...welp, im outta here

poop crap dookey

so i have learned all types of words used in mexico...like no manches, or bolita, or nena...theyre fun...so guess what i am doin for spring break? i am staying in springfield, and during the day i am sleeping in, and hanging out with jessie, and in the evenings, we are going to go to a few restaurants weve never been to, and then off to priscillas (well on the nite i dont have to work!) and then on thursday i have a lunch date with karyn sova, and then a dinner date with toni rawling, and then i have a putt-putt date with toni and her boo chris...it should be fun, and i am super excited about it...im gonna work a lot too, cuz the week after spring break i have to go to court for my speeding ticket...grrr...but besides that, i am super excited about the fact that no one will be here so i can go dancing and walk around outside, and eat food that i cooked and not worry about smelling up the dorm cuz no one will be here to smell it anyways...welp, i am gonna go clean my room...yay for spring break!

blah blah blah

asi, estoy consada...muy consada...a veces, quiero vivir n mexico sin estando en el ministerio...pero yo se que no puedo hacer eso...so no one ever reads these things, i dont know why i bother (not that i do it that often, but when i do)...aight peace

mwahaha

ok, so this has been a crazy week! lemme back track to last tuesday and tell you everything thats happened...last tuesday, i went to classes, finished with a good piano lesson, went and talked to friends for a little, then i went and ate dinner, and then i went and interviewed someone for an assignment, and i was late...stinkin traffic...anywho, i came back here, called my mom, procrastinated doing the report on the interview, and finally sat down to get it done at like 10:00, so by the time my roommates came home, i was done, they got on the computer and i went to bed...
so then i woke up the next day at like 7ish, which would normally never ever happen, cuz my first required thing i do every monday and wed. is chapel, at 10:30, but my manita, aka dessie, had to go to court, and although it was my car she wrecked, i didnt have to go, but i went cuz she a. needed a ride there, and b. needed some moral support...so i ran to quick trip, got us drinks, picked her up, and when we got there, we had to stand in line, and we were afraid that she was gonna be late, and then we happened to notice that it seemed like only one room was open, so we started joking around about how we had sooo many options as to which room we could go in...room a, or maybe room a, or did i mention room a, we wanna keep our options open...so we laughed about that, and then we ended up in room a! so we were waiting to go in and the line was forever long...that was interesting by the way, some scary guy started talking to us, and dessie just ignored him, but he got right in my face and had me backed into a wall...okay, so i have this thing where if i start to feel a little crowded, i put my hands in front of my face, sorta like a defense mechanism dealy, so i wasnt gonna be rude and put my hands up, but i was so freakin out cuz the dude was way too close to me...i have a bubble, and i would like it if ppl respected my bubble...at least americans...anyways, so we go into the room...and the guy sits in front of us, and as other ppl are walking in, he checks out every girl...ugh...so we sit there, its now close to 9:30 and we started wondering if the judge called her already and she wasnt in the room, or if they were really behind...they were just really behind...so we heard what a lot of other ppl got as far as fines and stuff, and the major one was "$50 with court room fee" so we started making jokes about how much she'd have to pay, "i bet you'll only have to pay 50 bucks with a courtroom fee" and as we were sitting there, this one couple went up and the judge said something about points against your license, and so manita and i were like, i wonder how many points this is against yours...and then she went b4 the judge, and guess what...? she had to pay $50 and courtroom fee! and as we were driving away, we joked about her having the most points ever, and so she should win..."yes, i win!" it was good times...
then later that afternoon, i took some of her laundry so it would be clean for guatemala, and i did that, and cleaned the bathroom again, and scrubbed the kitchen floor as if there was no tomorrow, and then my hallmate, aka lindsey, and my future hallmate, aka hannah (who is also lindsey's roomie) came over and they were here from like 6:45ish to after 12, which is hecka late for them, so i ended finishing their laundry so they could go to the school and sleep...
thursday was uneventful...it is my short day, so i just chilled at the school for a while, then i came back to the house, and then i went back so i could say bye to all my friends, me and rachel and dessie all hung out, and talked about our friends and family, and then at 12:30ish i said goodbye to all my guatemala team friends, and i ended up staying on campus so i wouldnt be late for my only class on friday which was voice lesson
then on friday, the chapel was hecka empty, and by noon, no one was left on campus, so i came home...which is where ive been for the past four days or so, and i am so gross right now, im gonna go take a shower and shave and repaint my toenails and become more like the girl i normally am rather than the gross thing that has erupted from laziness...that has been my week...peace